The Purge: Valentine’s Day
You Might Also Like
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus