Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
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One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it