“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
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My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Would you wear it?
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political