me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
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Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game