Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
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I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.