Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
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Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.