[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
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Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
uncle dave has been through hell
Personal question. #JustSaying
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
oh my gosh!!
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”