This tweet lives in my head rent free.
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Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
i want to work in this restaurant
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.