ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
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Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends