Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
You Might Also Like
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Did my cat write this
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)