If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
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ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
My life coach traded me.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Don’t snitch tag.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.