Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
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The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Meme Monday.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.