An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
You Might Also Like
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
every single time
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
opening a flower shop called women in stem
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I think they could have phrased this better
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist