Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
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What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
lot going on here, legally speaking.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
If looks could kill
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.