When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
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to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.