I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
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[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
this FaceApp is creepy af
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.