I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
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Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.