50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
You Might Also Like
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone