Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
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although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies