Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
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glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
This is my brand.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
When libraries troll their patrons.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.