I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
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There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.