[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
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Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Not all heroes wear capes….
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.