[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
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can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.