I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
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Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
These work great until they don’t.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.