The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
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Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Thoughts
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.