Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
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I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* 鈥o get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn鈥檛 you be in jail?
I love my son.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Hey I worked for it too!
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 馃槙
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat