I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
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The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.