A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
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Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.