I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
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When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half