[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
You Might Also Like
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*