Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
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[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2