ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
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What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
My favorite farside!!
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
How times have changed.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.