Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
You Might Also Like
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great