Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
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Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.