I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
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What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?