I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
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“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.