If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
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Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?