getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
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The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Still cracks me up
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going