COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
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*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Batman v Dracula
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son