COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
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No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”