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Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now