I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
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I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Me: How was school today?
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.