@dafloydsta

A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.

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@Try2StopME

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

@OlanDevine

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

@ValeeGrrl

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?

@JimGaffigan

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

@mariamainmo

“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me

@WilliamAder

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

@RickAaron

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

@Contwixt

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

@LurkAtHomeMom

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

@RocketRankoon

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.