A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
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The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Breaking news:
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.