wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
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birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
This is the best one I’ve seen
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.