Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
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When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.