The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
You Might Also Like
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.