This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
You Might Also Like
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.