My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
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kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit