I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
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Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
good work, everybody
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry