Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
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Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.