I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
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Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.