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”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
They got Raph!
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*