windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
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Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah